March personal letter - a Newsletter

But now, I just want to let go of my twenties. Not just my twenties, but also the self-narrative I’ve been carrying from childhood, through my teenage years, and then into my twenties. I’ve always felt the need to give context before giving an answer, explaining myself endlessly, making sure people understand before I even say what I mean. And half the time, by the time I finally get to my point, people have already forgotten the question, and probably so do I. But does it even matter? If the context is so heavy that it overshadows the answer itself, do we really need to keep anchoring ourselves in these explanations? Are we just afraid of misinterpretation?

Most people don’t care. They don’t care about the context, and that’s okay. If they misunderstand, they misunderstand. If they don’t get it, they don’t get it. So what? Why are we so afraid of stripping things down, of speaking plainly, of just saying what we mean without all the disclaimers and justifications?

This ties into relationships, too. Why do we treat relationships like projects? Something to be built, shaped, and maintained to perfection. Maybe this is a topic for later—probably after summer—but it’s been on my mind. The way we present ourselves, the way we curate our image. I’ve spent so much time judging myself—did I say the right thing? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I present myself the way I should? Did I meet someone’s unspoken expectations of me? But honestly? Fuck it. I’m tired of constantly policing my own words, my own relationships, and the way I imagine people perceive me.

It’s not about not caring. It’s not about being lazy or passive or giving up. It’s the opposite. It’s about taking action—real action. Taking a deep breath and just being. Just existing without constantly scrutinizing every single movement. We are tiny specks on a tiny planet, and yet we spend so much time tearing ourselves apart. For what?

Getting back to the topic, this letter isn’t meant to be a ramble about nothing. But when we talk about letting go, I think people are scared of it. Maybe because letting go feels like failure, like quitting. But it’s not. Sometimes, it’s about changing pace. Sometimes, it’s about realizing that the things we cling to—the career expectations, the artistic labels, the “right way” of doing things—are just illusions. I’ve seen how people struggle to categorize me - themselves - how they don’t know where to place me because I don’t fit neatly into one box. And maybe that scares them.

But I’m done fixating. Done obsessing over plans and scripts and the overwhelming pressure of “how to get there.” And when things go wrong—when plans fall apart, when responses don’t come, when life shifts unexpectedly—I don’t want to beat myself up for it anymore.

Especially with what I’m working on right now, I just want to say: fuck it. Let go. Let go of self-judgment. Let go of the rigid ideas of what’s “right” and “wrong.” Just say what you mean, unapologetically. Just live. Go out, do the thing. However long it takes, however messy the journey, it’s valid.

This reminds me of something I keep hearing about looking at yourself in the mirror, making eye contact with yourself, and saying opposite to all the things you normally tear yourself down for. Rewiring your mind, giving yourself the validation you crave from others. It’s interesting, isn’t it? The way we’re all just seeking validation, in this never-ending cycle. For someone to say it - “it’s alright, let it go”- even when we are convinced about our “false” “expectations”.  And I think, for me, letting go means letting go of that, too. The constant need to explain, justify, and prove myself. Because in the end, no matter how much you explain, people will still have a thousand different perceptions of you. And none of them will ever align perfectly with the way you see yourself. While constantly evolving in a tiny bits of you that you may not even notice as well as in major ways.

So, letting go. That’s been the theme.

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February was a month of putting myself out there. I spent time in Istanbul with one of my best friends, someone who had a huge impact on me in 2020–2021 and contributed so much to my life.. He’s someone I admire, someone who seems free in a way I’m still learning to be. February also triggered something in me—an idea, a spark for a project I hope I can share soon.

March felt like a continuation of that energy. The weather changed, the air felt different, and one of my oldest, closest friends came to visit. We’ve known each other for nearly 30 years, which is wild to think about. And having her here, spending time together, reflecting—it was another layer of letting go. Letting feelings out. Making peace with certain things. It’s still a process, but it’s been nourishing.

So yeah, that’s my summary.

I’m hoping that the energy I’m putting out into the world now will settle in the right place, have some kind of impact—not just on myself, but maybe beyond that. And I’m excited to see where that leads.

Looking forward to sharing more soon.

And, as always — thank you.

Thank you to myself.

Have a lovely...!